Solomon McKay: The Case of the Sock Goblin

I didn’t have any cases that day. It was the slow season in my detective business, it happens every once in a while. Feast or famine for us private dicks. I spent a few hours leaning back in my chair and watching the sun move across my desk in my office before I decided to close up shop for the day. Nada. No clients called, no mail, and no missing dogs. I locked up and left, but took my time in case someone was going to appear at the last minute. The air was chilly despite the sun having been out earlier. I took one last look at the office before heading home.
 I got home some time in the late afternoon, that brief period in time before everyone gets off work and the world is still quiet. I took the opportunity to do some laundry before the machines were all occupied. I stuffed the contents from the laundry hamper into a duffel bag and headed over to the local laundromat around the corner. ‘Nguyen’s Laundromat’ said the sign out front; typical Chinese name. These people ran everything around here it seemed, taking over all the local business. Probably why there were so many missing dog posters lately.
 I found an empty machine, threw my dirty laundry in, and started it up. I walked over to the waiting area and sat down, content to wait for my clothes to finish. Time passed as I read the local paper until eventually another patron entered the laundromat. A dame I’d never seen before.
 “Oh, Solomon, how are you? Doing your laundry as well?” she said to me.
 “Who are you?” I asked.
 “Haha, you’re always such a jokester, Solomon. Anyway, did you hear that Mrs. Collins from 23B had some clothes of hers go missing?”
 I don’t know a Mrs. Collins, let a lone a Mr. Collins, but missing clothes, that set off my detective senses.
 “What’s this about missing clothes?” I inquired.
 “Oh you know, socks goblins and such… These old machines tend to suck up socks and other small articles during the wash cycle. It’s just something that can’t be helped.”
 “Sock goblins?” I bolted up. “What can you tell me about them?”
 “Er… it’s just a silly thing we tell children to explain away why clothes go missing some times.”
 I now had a clue to go off of: somewhere in this building was a sock goblin. I wasn’t sure what his M.O. was but he liked to steal clothes, in particular he had a penchant for socks. I walked over to the clerk counter and asked the old woman if she’d seen any sock goblins about. She said something back to me in her incomprehensible dog-eating babble. I was never going to get anywhere like this. I looked around but there was no one in the laundromat except me and the other lady. I cursed myself for coming here so early. Undeterred, I started looking around for clues. A goblin likely wasn’t going to be seen in the front, but more likely behind a machine and somewhere in the back of the place.
 I started looking behind a few laundry machines before the owner lady came over and started yelling at me. I didn’t understand her but I could tell she was trying to protect the sock goblin. What I needed was backup. I stepped outside of the laundromat and called my Assistant.
 “Hello, Solomon?” he said.
 “Get down here, Assistant. I have a new case for us. I’ll explain the details in person.”
 “Uh, sure, but where is ‘here’?”
 “At the laundromat, stupid. Where else could it be. Now get moving!” and with that I hung up.
 After a moment my Assistant arrived, flushed and out of breath.
 “OK, I’m… here. I got here… as fast as I could,” he panted.
 “Good. Now, listen up. We’ve got a sock goblin on our hands. He’s apparently stolen some clothes from a Mrs. Collins–,” I started.
 “Oh, Mrs. Collins from 23B?”
 Does everyone know this woman? I wonder what Mr. Collins would think of this.
 “Don’t interrupt me. Yes, Mrs. Collins from 23B. And you see that woman inside?” I said, pointing to the woman sitting down on a chair reading a magazine.
 “Yes, she’s your neighbour, correct?” my Assistant said.
 “Look, who she is, is not important. She said that a sock goblin stole some clothes and we’ve gotta get to the bottom of this, but that dingbat in the back is covering for the sock goblin. She won’t let me get near any of the machines in the back before she starts yelling at me.”
 My assistant gave me a blank look. He’s always been a bit slow but I didn’t have time to explain myself again. My laundry was almost done and I needed to catch the sock goblin before he stole some of my clothes.
 “Look, Assistant, just go up to her and distract her. I need you to speak slant to her.”
 “Solomon, you can’t say that! And I don’t know Vietnamese, I only know a bit of Korean,” he whined.
 “Ugh, you’re useless. Why do I even keep you around? Look, it’s all the same Asian babble anyway. Distract her while I look for the sock goblin,” I commanded.
 I opened the door to the laundromat and shoved my Assistant inside. He sheepishly walked up to the old woman and started talking to her. Perfect, now’s my chance. I slinked past the two of them and started looking around in the back again. I couldn’t find any sock goblin tunnels behind any of the machines but I did notice something odd with one of the drying machines. I poked the touchscreen interface but it didn’t respond. I pulled out my knife and scraped away the touchscreen. Yup, it’s a fake—a sticker. I looked around to make sure no one would notice me as I moved the dryer away from the wall. It made a loud screeching sound like a train’s wheels that haven’t been oiled make when it brakes. I could hear the old woman yelling now, and my Assistant trying to stop her.
 Bingo.
 Behind the dryer was a small tunnel that a person could crawl through. This must be what the sock goblin used to come and go as he pleased. I pulled out my flashlight and shined it in the tunnel, which surprisingly didn’t go that far. It looked like it lead to the building next door. By now the old lady had reached where I was, giving some exclamation at the hole in the wall.
 “Solomon, what is this?” my Assistant asked.
 “Obviously, the sock goblin’s tunnel,” I said. “Now get in there and find out where it goes.”
 My Assistant crawled through the tunnel and called back to me when he was through.
 “Solomon, you are going to want to see this.”
 I followed suit and crawled through. In the sock goblin’s den were all manner of clothes pinned to the walls of the room. I heard a clicking sound as the door to the room opened and a goblin-like figure stepped in. I shined my light in his face.
 “Ah, what the hell,” he exclaimed.
 “You’re under arrest, sock goblin,” I said.
 “Wha–, who the hell are you? What are you doing here?”
 “Assistant, call the police. Alright sock goblin, under the powers vested in me I’m making a citizen’s arrest,” with that I leaped on him and pinned him to the ground.
 He was a wily bugger but I eventually handcuffed him. By now the police had showed up and took the sock goblin away.
 “Well Solomon, I don’t know how you found this pervert but we had been getting complaints from women in the area. So, good job,” said police officer Danino.
 “All in a days work, Danino. I didn’t want that sock goblin stealing any of my socks.”
 “Um, Solomon, I don’t think your clothes were in any danger, it seemed Mr. Tran only stole women’s clothes,” said my Assistant.
 “So he was a transvestite? Then what about the sock goblin?” I said.
 “Solomon, there never was a sock goblin, and his name is Mr. Tran—it’s a Vietnamese name, it has nothing to do with transvestites.” my Assistant said.
 “Then you should arrest that lady for giving me false information about a thief,” I said, pointing to the lady who started this whole thing.
 “Why don’t you take your laundry and go home, Solomon,” Danino said.
 I decided to take his advice and go home with my laundry. I was tired of this sock goblin nonsense anyway. When I got home I hung my laundry up to dry. Hmm, looked like everything was there except for one sock.